Noah has an upper GI test this Friday. The GI Clinic called last week to confirm he has the delayed emptying issue and they want to do a series of tests to see if there are any strictures or other related issues. The vomiting continues, some days better then others. Today was not one of our better days. I have to say I never thought I would be worn so thin as a mother. I can put Noah down for two seconds and that is all it takes for him to get upset and throw up puddles of puke. Today alone we had three such episodes. By the end of the day I had it with being thrown up on. I sure hope this Friday we can find some answers.
I am in an honest mood tonight. The past few months have been some of the most difficult that I have ever experienced. It seems that certain emotions have been magnified, such as anger, fear, discouragement, guilt, shame, and sometimes also hope. Some days I think to myself that I can't possibly make it through yet another day. Some days I think about the ironic nature to the saying, "God doesn't give you more then you can handle," when I feel that I am hanging on by my nails from a cliff praying that I don't slip and fall. Some days I have moments of clarity and I remember that although challenging these boys have missions and will fulfill their various tasks that God has set forth for them.
I am so grateful to all those during these past few months who have stepped forward and been there for me during some very dark, dark hours. You know who you are and I will never be able to repay you. The one thing that I hope for is that once clarity really comes...when true acceptance becomes an almost daily attribute of my life that I will be able to find others who are in similar positions needing the same understanding hand to hold on to. That is my hope.
Tonight, as I have said before, I was feeling so frustrated with the state of things. I know that many of my thoughts are selfish as I think, why me? But many of my thoughts also include the difficult emotion of, why my boys? Why do they have to suffer so? I was reminded of the account of Alma the younger speaking to his son Helaman about his many years as a missionary and the blessings that came despite his tribulations:
Alma 26: 25-27
“Yea, and now behold, O my son, the Lord doth give me exceedingly great joy in the fruit of my labors;
For because of the word which he has imparted unto me, behold, many have been born of God, and have tasted as I have tasted, and have seen eye to eye as I have seen; therefore they do know of these things of which I have spoken, as I do know; and the knowledge which I have is of God.
And I have been supported under trials and troubles of every kind, yea, and in all manner of afflictions; yea, God has delivered me from prison, and from bonds, and from death; yea, and I do put my trust in him, and he will still deliver me.”
That is great courage and great appreciation for the healing power and saving grace of our Heavenly Father. I was grateful for the reminder tonight that as many prophets of old, both from the Bible and Book of Mormon, God does deliver those who remain faithful. He grants courage, he grants peace, he gives protection and a place to lay down your burdens. I will admit I have had several days where my burdens have felt so great, so heavy, that I have felt overwhelmed in knowing how to manage everything but I have been given the support in these moments, either by phone calls, someone stopping by, family members giving a kind word of encouragement or taking the boys so I can get rest or a break, all of these things have carried me onward.
Thank you each of you who have supported me. I hope to live and learn from this experience and to master my emotions so that I can in turn service others experiencing similar trials and tribulations. What a blessing in my life this would be.
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