“Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.” Albert Smith
Mid-day and already I feel like a thousand have passed. I keep thinking that I have developed a thick skin and then something new happens and I feel like I've shattered to a thousand pieces all over again. Thank goodness I have God, my husband and family/friends to help me pick it all up and start all over.
Sweet Noah is in such a critical state right now with his lungs. I guess we didn't realize how serious it was until Dr. Doom (as I have fondly dubbed him, because every time we see him he has this poor way of communicating the worst of news) began talking about how really sick Noah is.
I guess they have started to see a type of emphysema in his lungs. They are very worried about this because it can cause serious complications. The situation is this, he needs high levels of oxygen for support and this is causing very negative side affects. I guess the hope (well that is my word, this particular doctor doesn't allude to any type of hope whenever explaining the situation with our babies) is that Noah will not worsen to the point of needing total lung support, if so he could suffer from bursting air bubbles which could cause immediate respiratory arrest and possible lung failure. To prevent this from happening, should he worsen, they would have to reduce his oxygen to very low levels to save his lungs but as a result damage other vital organs (including the brain, etc.)
Of our two babies little Noah is now the "very critical" of the two.
The update on Jonah is that basically he is too unstable at this time to transfer (I feel like this changes every day!) I guess the ventilator that he requires for oxygen does not transfer and he is not able to be switched to a more conventional one that would. A small bit of good news is that his head, while increasing in size, is not at the absolute maximum in growth that would require immediate transfer. Yes, it is still growing more then it should but not enough that the doctors have to risk all things and immediately send him to UCLA. So the course of action seems to be to monitor Jonah for the time being with a transfer pending on what happens over the next few days. Thank the heavens above that his other vitals, including lungs, are strong. Even his blood pressure remains good.
I think that the nurses felt our sadness today and offered to allow us, for the FIRST time, to kiss our sweet babies. I even got to lay my head next to both and whisper to them. It was perhaps one of the most emotional moments in the NICU for me. How I have longed to hold my boys! I sleep with one of their baby blankets gifted to us by my aunt and a toy given to us by one of Shane's aunts. I still wake up at night crying sometimes because I just want to hold my boys. I hope none of you will ever go through this horrible aching of not being able to hold your children. I wouldn't wish this on even my worst of enemies.
Both Shane and I got to kiss our boys and whisper to them. I was so grateful for the moment but it also worsened the pains in my heart because I was even more aware of how much I want to hold them close to me and cannot. It's also hard because we are having to share very private moments with an entire staff of nurses, sometime I wish we could just be in our own little area...away from everyone else.
So today is not a good day for me, but I know I'll rearrange things into perspective once given time. Sometimes that is all you need, a few hours to just collect yourself and pray for support and cry to a loved one.
Please continue to pray for our beautiful boys, I promise you that what you each have done in way of thoughts and prayers has preserved our sons over the past two weeks. We need you, we desperately need you to remember our boys. I know your prayers are making the difference. Even if you have never prayed or perhaps it has been a long time for you and prayer, if you could start today and say a simple prayer for Jonah and Noah. I know that it will help my sons and we need you to call down the angels of heaven to watch over them, to comfort them and strengthen them so they will come home to us soon and live full lives and be able to do all those things that little boys should be able to do.
Thank you again for all your strength, love and courage.
Love, Shane and Michelle