I am including a bit of her posting (with some editing for brevity purposes and to emphasize what touched me personally) regarding the birth of her son at 23 weeks:
I can't believe the effect tragedy can have on someone. I can remember watching this family on TV a really long time ago and their house had burned but the whole family had gotten out alive. They were distraught. I couldn't understand it - i was so judgmental towards them b/c they had their family - how could they care about anything else. I get it now - it is tragedy. I wonder daily how many people look at me and think - you have your son. how could you be struggling? but tragedy damages people. not that we can't be restored - boy do I believe that - but it causes wounds and scars - that is how I feel. damaged but at least aware of my many wounds and seeking restoration. so if I have my son, he is growing and looks amazing, what is the problem - that is what I have been learning. what damage has been done?
but really I want to share something - something I need to say out loud for myself. I am really struggling. everyday is a fight to choose joy everyday is a fight to choose faith everyday is a fight to love and serve others. and i want to shout BUT I WILL - B/C I KNOW THIS IS TRUTH AND THE GOOD AND PERFECT WILL OF OUR GOD! and it is what is best for me and my family. I know truth like - he created my son in his image and me too; he created me b/c he wanted to; he has plans for me that are good; his character is love.
I felt so hurt by God; betrayed and abandoned [at my son's birth] but in all actuality I was not betrayed by God - he was who he has always been - I was betrayed and abandoned by my perspective of God. a perspective in which i had based my confidence. I could not sing to him - I could not listen to his word (scripture) with out anger. It had been months since I communicated and listened - I just shouted out my demands for my son and anytime a loved one needed prayer - i would threaten God - it was out of instinct - my prayers would start off "God if you don't..." and then I would realize it was going nowhere and so I would stop. after so many tears and so many thoughts and so many times balled up begging God to just make me back into who I used to be - i finally stood up, washed myself off and went to worship. Physically what did this look like - well, many times when I sing worship songs to God I will stand up - out of reverence, out of obedience, out of awe and love for who he is (if our president or king walked into a room - we would stand - same thing for me in obedience). so what that looked like is my posture changing. i got up - literally stood up, i washed off - i decided to stop living in grief - not that I am not grieving (what I am grieving - ooh that is a whole other blog!) and then I worshiped. now it is still hard to sing songs of adoration right now - but I am consciously working to read truth about God and praying for God to make us thankful for our journey.
I am getting there.
I was so moved by her posting, I hope I can come to this closure myself some time soon. I still feel caught up in the acceptance part of this experience. Shane is blessed enough to just accept life as it is, I wish I were so lucky. I still struggle every day with being grateful for this experience. Every day I struggle with focusing on how lucky we are the boys are here instead of not mourning all that I have lost and all that I see not happening with our sweet Jonah.
I hope to come to know God again and regain that perfect trust I had in his journey for me as I did before the boys were born. I never thought my faith would be so shaken and my testimony so rocked as it has been over the past year but I hope to remember as this dear mother did how it is all about truly knowing and loving Him. This is how one comes to accept in this experience.
1 comment:
I could write a novel on this posting. Oh, how I echo the sentiments of this dear woman. I remember times when I had perfect faith/confidence that I could conquer whatever the Lord put in my path. It wasn't until the last 1-2 years that I started to doubt my spiritual roots and question my Heavenly Father's awareness of me.
Am I perfectly healed? No. Is it getting better? Some days. Will I give up? Never (though some days I'm tempted). I am so glad you have a support system of similarly situated mothers that are living in similar circumstances. I found great comfort talking with fellow families at the Ronald McDonald house. While our children's reasons for long-term care were different (Gracelyn's was a rare situation), we all had broken hearts, full of worry for our little ones while we struggled to piece together the shattered dreams of their future.
You - as always - will continue to be in my prayers. Don't give up on the Lord. He'll never give up on you. And you will feel healing come with time.
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